Choose your own adventure: Take over the country!
by Finchopotamus
Summary: The country is a ridiculous one in which light-up shoes have been outlawed and toothpicks are viewed with suspicion. Choose your actions and read the consequences! Very fun little story/game to spend an afternoon on!
1. Introduce

_This is a fun little "choose your own adventure" story. I hope you have loads of fun going through it. I tried to put a little bit of variety in here, but this is a little bit time consuming to do (not to mention a little confusing at times)! Please let me know how you like it by reviewing! If y'all like this, I may do another of the same genre or perhaps a different one (romance, fantasy, something more serious)! If no one reviews, I will take it as no one likes it and to never make another one of these again! ;) Please enjoy!_

I am so tired of the corruption in this government. They just raised the drinking age to 25, but made checking IDs in liquor stores illegal. If that weren't enough, the punishment for selling alcohol to a minor is death! The price for a case of beer is now $150, simply because liquor store owners need the money to pay attorneys to keep their asses out of prison on the off chance that they accidentally sell a case of booze to someone under the drinking age! That's just one example, though. The education fund has been slashed so deeply that students are using textbooks that their grandparents used back in grade school, and in some cities, students have to bring their own textbooks to school! Teachers are now paid so little that most of them can also been seen working at local gas stations and grocery stores just to make ends meet. The government has decided to privatize the police force, which means that if you're in trouble, don't count on getting any help from the police! They're too busy gunning down the road in beamers to stop and help you with your flat tire. God save you if you ever get robbed! The entire country has gone nuts! What should I do?

**A. Run for Congress: Go to "Run For Congress"**

**B. Organize protests: Go to "Organize Protests"**

**C. Start recruiting for an underground militia: Go to "Underground Militia"**


	2. Run For Congress

I began printing up signs, going door-to-door talking to residents, and meeting with local business owners to establish myself as a candidate for Congress. I bust my butt every day and even manage to get a few volunteers to help spread the word about my campaign. My platform is essentially that our government needs to stop this nonsense it has been getting into and start making reasonable laws that the people of the country can get behind. I also want to make legislation to fix the budget so that we don't have teachers living out of cardboard boxes while corporate trillionaires are literally begging to be taxed before they drown in all of their wealth.

While I'm out, meeting the people, and gaining support in the community, my opponent is throwing out all kinds of advertisements to tarnish my good name. These ads make all kinds of wild suggestions about me being part of the mafia, befriending farm animals through song, and flunking the first grade – twice. Of course, none of these things are true and I even finished the first grade as the best finger painter in the whole class! I try to defend myself, but my voice seems to be drowned out by the constant stream of negative ads against me. Even when I tried to call my opponent to get these false and baseless ads to stop, I couldn't get past his secretary! Now what do I do?

**A. Go to opponent's house: Go to "Opponent's House"**

**B. Get funding to make negative ads: Go to "Negative Ads"**

**C. Hire a hitman: Go to "Hitman"**


	3. Underground Militia

I begin making secret phone calls around the country to recruit for an underground militia. Much to my surprise, I find a lot of support for such an idea and even get a few eccentric wealthy people on my side to fund operations. I use every single contact I have to my advantage to stock up on all necessary items: canned foods, underground bunkers, and some sympathetic police officers even. At the first official meeting of the Underground Movement Parsing out Horribleness, or UMPH, we come up with several strategies for taking over the government. We realize that it will be difficult as the fat cats in the capital have taken every precaution to protect their political-power-money-making machines, so we decide to end all communication over traceable sources, such as mail, e-mail, and telephone. Nothing is kept in writing and we have elaborate code words to transfer messages and information to each other.

The first order of business is to pick off some of the lowest legislators in such a way as to make it appear as an accident. We decide to start off with a few mayors who were pushing legislation to ban book reading, to de-fund education systems, and to criminalize the asking of critical questions of gubernatorial leadership that could be classified as "hurtful" or "offensive". Clearly, these people were making sweeping efforts to keep opposition to an absolute minimum and had to be stopped once and for all.

Some of our top assassins went on the job and managed to pick off two of the legislators in what was deemed a "tragic toothpick accident" as well as a room full of others in what was reported in the national newspapers as a "serious and incurable case of diarrhea leading to death by dehydration caused by tainted arugula at the Red National Committee Fundraiser".

Emboldened by our successes, we met again to discuss our next plan of action.

**A. Run for president using underground militia: Go To "Secret #1"**

**B. Assassinate leading legislators: Go to "Secret #2"**

**C. Make demands public: Go to "Secret #3"**


	4. Organize Protests

I decided to organize protests against the way the government is being run. I start off by going door-to-door, and raising awareness in the community of the issues in Congress. I made phone calls and even managed to recruit volunteers to my cause. Once I was able to shed light on the ridiculous antics Congress was trying to pull, I started to gather a lot of support from people. I planned a big protest right on the doorsteps of the Senate, the recent bill criminalizing homelessness as the main focus. The volunteers for my cause made up signs, shirts, even hats and buttons all with protest messages printed on them. We had a large showing at the organized protest and reporters even gathered around to tape the protest and interview some of the participants. It was really great! That is, up until secret service showed up.

One of the senators pointed me out to the secret service and I was detained and then arrested for disorderly conduct, threatening a senator with bodily harm, and attempted arson! I was absolutely astounded at the completely made up charges. I knew that these were just attempts to silence me, even though I was merely exercising my right to protest peacefully. I don't even own a lighter or carry anything flammable and I certainly didn't even see or speak with any senators. I sat in my cell seething with anger and awaiting a judgment. On the day of my trial, I was confident that the judge would see through this baloney, but to my surprise, the trial lasted all of five minutes. I didn't even get to testify on my own behalf! I was sentenced to life in prison, where I started to write books railing against the corrupt government, but it never amounted to any significant change.

**THE END**


	5. Opponent's House

I went to my opponent's residence one Saturday morning to confront him. I hope that this will make the false ads stop so that this election will be a fair one. I knock on his door and wait for him to respond. When he opens the door, he quickly starts snapping pictures and tells me that he's getting it all down. I raise my hands up to shield my eyes and tell him to stop, "What the hell are you doing?" I shout at him, "I'm not here to engage in these ridiculous antics with you!"

"Yeah, well, then why are you here? Aren't you angry that we've been outing you?" he asks childishly, lowering the camera from his face.

"Of course I'm angry!" I respond, "Your ads are completely ridiculous, false, and only serve to muddy the waters. You haven't made a single ad with any substance relevant to the election. I want this election to be a fair one, so I demand you stop making these stupid ads at once!" I said assertively, clenching my fists in annoyance.

My opponent dropped his arms to his sides and softened his face thoughtfully as he gazed down at the sidewalk for a moment. He looked up and said quietly, "Yes, you're right. I'll take down the ads and we'll square off in this election, fair and square."

"Really?" I asked, very surprised that he was changing his stance so quickly.

"Yeah right!" he said as he snatched his camera back up and started snapping pictures, "you're just mad because all of those things are true! If you want me to stop, you're going to have to kill me!" he mocked and jeered, laughing like an annoying child.

I was seething as I stormed away from his house. The man was clearly a complete moron and talking to him was a waste of time.

What do I do?

**A. Hire a hitman: Go to "Hitman"**

**B. Get funding to make negative ads: Go to "Negative Ads"**

**C. Stick it out and hope for the best: Go to "Optimistic"**


	6. Negative Ads

I raise funds to start making negative ads about the moron I was running against. It didn't require much research into his voting history at all; as a matter of fact, my opponent provided piles of material for us to use against him on a daily basis. He routinely referred to his dog as his "most trusted advisor on all political matters", openly shared his suspicions of people with blue eyes as being "really effing creepy and probably up to something", and even told a reporter to "stop pointing those bunions at me" much to the bafflement of everyone around.

After putting together the ads, I was confident that the public would sway in my direction after seeing the clips of him saying absolutely ridiculous and downright offensive things. Shortly after airing the ads, my opponent began to hold rallies to denounce me as "a big fat bully who smells like cheese". Despite these attacks being stupid, even laughable, the public sympathized with him. I suppose it is quite pitiful to see a grown man cry like a giant baby on a stage in front of hundreds of people.

On Election Day, I lost by a landslide. I was in absolute shock since I thought it was going to be an absolute breeze to run against such an obvious moron. After the news of my defeat broke, I got a telephone call from my opponent. He just laughed on the phone for a solid minute before making fart noises with his hand to mock me. I hung up the phone and just stared at the wall for a while, in absolute shock that I had lost _to that_. Either the people of this city were absolutely nuts or I was clearly missing something here. I now had to decide where to go from here.

**A. Recruit for an underground militia: Go to "Underground Militia"**

**B. Hire a hitman: Go to "Hitman"**

**C. Give up and move to another country: Go to "Give Up"**


	7. Hitman

I took out my phone and called one of my shadier friends up, knowing that she would know where to get a good hitman to get rid of my problem opponent.

"Hello?" she answered the phone, sounding as though she had just woken up.

"Hey, it's me," I responded, "I was calling because I need some help with my election…" I said darkly.

"Yeah? What kind of help?" she asked.

"You know my opponent, well, he's being quite… unreasonable," I answered in a suggestive tone.

"Ah, so you'd like him to take… a vacation… is that right?"

"Yes, I think it'd do him …and me… a lot of good. Do you think you could take care of it?"

"For you? I could take care of anything!" she answered sweetly.

I thanked her and hung up, my hands shaking with anticipation. In an ideal scenario, it wouldn't come to this, but given that my opponent is so unreasonable, it had to, I thought to myself. I spent the rest of the day campaigning as usual and finished up late that day. I came home, turned on the lights and the TV and went to the kitchen to heat up something for dinner. I overhead something on the news that caught my attention. I turned up the volume and heard that my opponent had been found dead in what was being deemed as an accident. My heart jumped into my throat as I listened closer for more details. Police reported that my opponent had been walking to his car when he slipped on an ill placed toy fire truck. He fell and cracked his head open, killing him instantly. What police found odd was that he was wearing his bathrobe and a pair of boxers with cartoon characters on them. Though there was no explanation as to why he was trying to get to his car while only wearing a bathrobe and as there were no witnesses to the accident, police were not prepared to investigate the matter any further. I took a deep breath and sighed, feeling slightly relieved, though confused. I wasn't sure if that had been the hitman's doing or merely my opponent's sheer stupidity. Well, if it was the hitman, he is a very talented one indeed.

**Go To "Election Day"**


	8. Give Up

I decided that this was all just too much and decided to move into a tropical beach house far away from this loony country and its loonier laws. I spent my days on the beach, watching the waves and sipping on a cool glass of lemonade. I didn't care what those idiots back home were doing because I had found peace on my little slice of paradise and I lived happily ever after… That is, until I ran out of lemons. Do you know how freaking hard it is to grow lemon trees on the beach?

**THE END**


	9. Optimistic

I decided that despite my opponent's childishness, I would just stick it out and hope that my campaign would prevail. I stuck to the issues, continued to meet with individuals, and discussed my platform. I was beginning to become very annoyed at the constant questioning from members of the media regarding whether or not I really liked to shove popsicles down my pants to get that cool sensation and whether or not my preferred method of travel was a broomstick with a plush horse head on the end of it. It was becoming exhausting having to answer over and over again that these attacks were baseless, ridiculous, and obviously contrived by my opponent in a childish attempt to smear me.

One day, I was trying to relax at home when I overhead something on the news that caught my attention. I turned up the volume and heard that my opponent had been found dead in what was being deemed as an accident. My heart jumped into my throat as I listened closer for more details. Police reported that my opponent had been walking to his car when he slipped on an ill placed toy fire truck. He fell and cracked his head open, killing him instantly. What police found odd was that he was wearing his bathrobe and a pair of boxers with cartoon characters on them. Though there was no explanation as to why he was trying to get to his car while only wearing a bathrobe and as there were no witnesses to the accident, police were not prepared to investigate the matter any further.

I slumped down into my chair, amazed that the moron had managed to kill himself and almost feeling sorry for the poor idiot. I guess I no longer had an opponent to run against me.

**Go to "Election Day"**


	10. Election Day

Since I no longer had anyone running against me, I won the election without breaking a sweat and immediately got to work, coming up with new ideas for legislation I'd like to bring up in Congress. I decide to do some additional studying on law, American history, and aliens, because well, I do get bored reading about law and American history.

On my first day as a newly elected representative in Congress, I feel confident and well-prepared as I'm sworn in and go to work reading bills and the like. One of the bills being proposed comes to my desk, titled, "Winning the War on Crime Act". As I begin reading it, I immediately am stunned that the bill seeks to make being homeless a felony crime punishable for up to 5 years in prison. I keep reading, thinking that maybe I've misinterpreted it, but as I continue reading, it gets worse. The bill would dismantle all homeless shelters, and anyone caught sleeping on park benches, near steam vents, or on sidewalks would be arrested and thrown in jail. The bill doesn't cite how this would have any affect on crime, but does briefly claim that all crimes are committed by someone who was homeless at some point in their lives without using any proof to back this up. Of course, I think this is absolutely absurd and think that there is no way that anyone would propose this kind of law in seriousness and that certainly no one would vote for such a ridiculous bill.

The next day, the bill comes to the floor for a vote. I vote "no" and even comment on how ridiculous this piece of legislation is. I even offer up a few of my own ideas for fighting crime – more education, after-school programs, and encouraging better TV programming during high crime hours, because let's face it, who is going to get up to go shoot someone if there are so many good TV shows on?

After a few more members make their comments on the bill, the votes are counted up. The bill passes with overwhelming support. My jaw hits the floor. I'm absolutely stunned. I begin to think that everyone had lost their damned minds.

Now what do I do?

**A. Organize protests: Go to "Organize Protests"**

**B. Form an underground militia: Go to "Underground Militia"**

**C. Give up and move to a different country: Go to "Give Up"**


	11. Secret 1

At the next meeting, I bring up the possibility of running for president using the now vast network of the underground militia to make it possible. It's generally a popular idea, so I announce my candidacy and begin the campaign.

The militia is never seen with me in public and communication with them is kept to a strict minimum in order to avoid anyone catching wise of my affiliation with the group. They manage to round up amazing support for my campaign and silence all opposition who become too big a threat. I run on the platform of bringing common sense back to the capital and reversing all of the most recent stupid laws that have passed, namely those banning light-up tennis shoes, books that begin with the word "the", and a criminalization of toothpicks. I get an enormous amount of public support, as many people are tired of being double-crossed by elected officials who promise to create jobs but instead focus on ridiculous social issues that were never a problem to begin with (like light-up tennis shoes). In order to build the public's trust in my pledge, I sign a written contract, frame it, and take it with me to all rallies for all to witness. My idea works like a charm and I rapidly raise in the poll numbers.

On Election Day, I win by a landslide and immediately set about choosing the people who will support me in my presidency.

**A. Appoint members of the underground militia: Go to "Underground Cabinet"**

**B. Appoint professionals agreeable to the militia: Go to "Organized Cabinet"**

**C. Appoint politicians who have been in those positions before: Go to "Backstabber"**


	12. Secret 2

At the next meeting, I bring up plans to begin assassinating leading legislators who are doing the most harm to the country and its people. They are the ones passing the most oppressive, not to mention, the most ridiculous, laws. The rest of the militia agrees that they need to be stopped and set about making plans to carry out these high-profile assassinations. Of course, it will be much trickier than before, and they can't count on the luck of bunches of the targets being congregated in one area at a time.

While carrying out the assassinations, someone in the secret militia must have cracked and gave information to the FBI, prompting arrests and interrogations. Since I know that I must be a prime target, I attempt to skip to another country, where I can live out the rest of my years in peace, far far away from the ludicrous government here. While at the airport, I learn that my flight is delayed. I quickly become fearful that I may be noticed or that someone may have tipped off the FBI. I try to keep my cool while fearfully watching everyone moving around me cautiously. Finally, I board my airplane and as I sink into my chair, I sigh with relief, knowing that I will soon be on my way to my new country and my new life.

Just before takeoff, the plane is stopped and FBI agents quickly snatch me off the plane, arrest me and interrogate me. Though I remain silent, they claim others in the militia have cracked and spilled all of the militia's secrets, including the fact that I was the ringleader of all of this. They even list names of people I was certain would never crack, no matter how much pressure was put on them by authorities. Despite my shock, I remain silent. Though frustrated by my silence, the FBI agents have all of the evidence they need already to have me prosecuted in federal court.

I am convicted and sent to a federal prison, where I live out the rest of my days, trying desperately to make some sort of impact with my memoirs, but failing to even make a ripple in the pond.

**THE END**


	13. Secret 3

At the next meeting, I discuss making our demands for a sane and fair government public and using ominous and vague threats to "encourage" leaders to take heed of our demands. The rest of the group enthusiastically agrees and immediately sets about organizing widespread building vandalism of various scales all across the country with messages demanding that public officials stop playing games signed with an ominous logo representing UMPH.

The media is caught up in a frenzy almost immediately and sets about trying to discover the identities of the members of UMPH. On the Internet, thousands proclaim a desperate interest to join UMPH's cause, and some even claim to be members of UMPH. Police begin watching neighbors almost around the clock in an attempt to catch the vandals (and thus win big fat rewards), but find themselves not only incapable of catching the graffiti artists, but also victims of said vandalism. Some of the bolder vandals manage to spray-paint the inside of police cars without being noticed or caught.

Needless to say, this garners even more media attention to the demands, ramping up widespread public support, and huge rallies in favor of these demands. Interestingly enough, there are also rallies opposing UMPH, calling the group "a bunch of ignorant criminals demoralizing our people and defacing our cities". The media, in a full frenzy at this point, unveils that these anti-UMPH protesters are actually paid employees of major corporations known to have "bought out" many legislators. This leads to a huge uprising against the government, a much larger reaction than expected initially by my militia group.

Before we knew what happened next, there was widespread chaos erupting in cities across the country as people began protesting, sometimes violently, against their corrupt local governments. A huge political movement began in the largest city of the country led by an eccentric corporate billionaire and it was rapidly gaining momentum.

My underground militia group decided to support this new movement discreetly, picking off all those who proved to be dangerous to the movement. Before too long, the old government was out and a new government was rushed in, one that shunned the idea of money-fueled politics and valuing superstitious beliefs over scientific ones.

Though it isn't at all what we expected, we were actually very happy to see a new government take hold and were determined to establish ourselves as the neutral power that kept government in check. The people of the country were freer, happier, and much more educated as this new government poured money into national libraries and school systems. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself.

**THE END**


	14. Underground Cabinet

I decided to turn to the very militia that helped me win this election to fill the empty positions of my cabinet. I knew they would be loyal to me until the end, even if they didn't necessarily know what they were doing, and I figured this would be an excellent way to reward them for their service to my cause.

I immediately fill all of the appointed positions with my loyal militia members, prompting immediate questions from media and politicians regarding my choices and what my affiliation was with organized crime. I tried to dismiss these concerns, turning instead to the issues at hand.

Once I took office, the cloud of questions followed me, no matter how much I tried to avoid them. I did as I promised and started reversing the most idiotic laws, such as the one banning homelessness, and immediately turned to proposing new legislation to take its place. I went to my cabinet members for suggestions and they immediately told me some of their ideas. One of the members suggested I categorize allowing pets to defecate in another's yard as an act of vandalism, punishable by up to five years in federal prison. When I asked for the particular motivation behind this suggestion, my trusted cabinet member admitted to me that it was motivated by the fact that his neighbor routinely let his dog defecate in his yard and never cleaned up the dog's mess.

Though I thought the move was no less ridiculous than the laws that had been passed by the previous administration, I felt it was only fair to the people who were so loyal to me to have the opportunity to propose whatever ridiculous legislation they wanted. One after another, members of my cabinet began requesting attention for their own ridiculous bills, and of course, this spread to the rest of the underground militia. I felt as though I had no other choice and allowed the rain of ridiculous bills to continue.

My presidency had been marked by suspicions that I was tied to some sort of underground criminal ring as well as a continuation of past stupid bills being passed on behalf of loyal supporters. Oh, well, at least I tried. I'd like to think that I had a positive impact on my country, but the truth of the matter is that I didn't. My presidency was a failure just like every presidency in recent times.

**THE END**


	15. Organized Cabinet

I decided to appoint educated professionals to fill the empty slots of my cabinet, but in order to ensure that my government was going to be a new one as I had promised during my campaign, I asked for my underground militia to approve all of my choices before I announced them. Meeting after meeting was held, lasting into the wee hours of the morning, debating the disposition of each of my choices for cabinet members as well as the possible benefits to the country.

Once the selections were made, I felt confident that I had the highest possible functioning cabinet that would be able to serve the people with educated decisions, but would also provide refreshing and new perspectives to replace the worn out ones used in administrations before mine.

All seemed to go very well at first. My administration quickly repealed the most ridiculous and oppressive laws and put new policies into place that would save the government money and ensure the happiness of the people. Even though my cabinet was operating as a well-oiled machine, the issues seemed to pile up at an alarming rate. It started to become overwhelming how many new issues piled up on my desk each and every day. Some days, I wanted to start a bon fire with all of the new documents requesting my immediate attention, but I figured I would accidentally burn down the capital, seeing as there was quite a lot of paper in there.

The most conservative groups began to attack my administration on the grounds that I was favoring the "smarty pants" over the "regular folk" and routinely ran advertisements defaming my good name. I wanted to run after them with a crowbar, but figured I was too busy to do such a thing.

With each passing day, my hair became thinner and grayer, my patience slimmer, and the wrinkles in my forehead deeper. Though I had successfully established a new era for my country, my soul was sucked dry by the 20 hour days, day in and day out. Despite all of my efforts and my suffering, most young people didn't even know who I was. Bunch of miserable ingrates.

**THE END**


	16. Backstabber

Faced with the mounting pressure of being successful in the political realm, I decided that it was best to stick with the most conventional political choices to fill the empty positions of my cabinet. I attempted to explain myself to the militia, but was met with angered reactions. They felt betrayed by my decision and told me there'd be hell to pay.

They were right. Last I heard they placed a bounty on my he-

THE END


End file.
